Saturday, July 07, 2007

Present but Invisible

*picture has been deleted. Sorry*
Let me talk about friendship. Few occurrences happened that brought me to question myself; where am I situated in my friendship? At what level am I?

The friendship I mean here is the relationship with those living fleshes with brain and heart called human whom I spend most of my time with, whom I am comfortable with, and whom I put love and faith on. It’s not virtual friends whom I never or rarely meet face to face but I could interpret their intellectual behavior via their written words, but real friends whom I put my body and heart close to.

In relationship, people always use the word of wisdom which says “sedangkan lidah lagikan tergigit” to suggest that close bodies do hurt each other, whether intentional or not. There must be party who is hurt inside, and the blisters are actually more painful than physical sores. And here is a pinch of black story of my friendship with people I call friends.

Basically, I treat my friends equally. What do I mean by that equality? It’s simply that I don’t put any level of friendship between them thus I trust, treat and love them equally. I don’t label any of my friends as best friends or whatever, purely because they are all my friends, the best in my heart. But that few occurrences were really a matter for me that blinked me to think; am I invisible? It’s small matter for some people, but still it is a matter that I take as personal.

Imagine these situations:

1. One of my friends is choosing stuffs during shopping and somehow he needs opinion whether they suit him or not, whether he should take it or not. Instead of asking me who is nearest to him, he chooses to ask others far from him. Hello, am I invisible? Am I brainless that you can’t ask my opinion?
2. 4 friends are in one situation. One of them is hungry and needs friends to accompany him to the cafĂ©. He asks the first friend but he refuses for some reasons, and also the second one. I am the third person he supposes to ask who is ready to accompany him but I am just waiting him to ask me friendly. But unfortunately he does not ask me. Hello, am I invisible? Where am I lacking that you don’t see me?
3. Few friends and I are in a room where suddenly a new hot story that is out of my knowledge is loudly propagated repeatedly between them. When I ask what it is, they avoid me and made me like I am no one to know it. Hello, am I not your friend to know it also? You just make me feel like I am complete loser stranger!

Here is where I started asking myself; where is my position in the friendship? Can’t I get the equality of friendship I have shown? Where am I lacking that we cannot share things? Aren’t we friends?

I know I am not good in everything to share my opinions. I know I am not always available whenever they want me. I know I can’t expect everyone of my friends to tell me all secrets they have. But please consider how I would feel if situations like above, and many more, happen. Not once, not twice, but more than that. It’s like I am present but invisible!

Here, I am not questioning my friends’ credibility and trustworthiness as so-called friend, but I am questioning my position in the friendship. At which level am I situated in your heart? Where am I lacking that made me sometimes feel like I am invisible among you all? Maybe it’s my fault that I overlook due to my own weaknesses. Or maybe it’s only me who is sometimes softhearted when it comes to friendship and easy to get hurt inside.

It’s actually constantly hurt when I keep thinking of this matter. I can’t help it but to say that I badly need friends to make life colorful. But don’t paint it black! I hate black on my silk of life but few dots were already there. I did see this thing positively, but I couldn’t stop asking myself – am I not a good friend?

Footnote: Please don't think I have problems with my friends now. This entry is nothing but a release of thoughts for those occurences that happened not in a day, but the past friendship period.

15 comments:

azuwachan said...

ni pasal kisah benar ka??
kalu zaki nak tau, antara rakan2 zaki, yg kite dan juga kwn2 kite nampak, zaki antara yg pendiam. tak huha-huha sgt.
I wonder why sometimes.
Tak tau la kalu ni one of the reason why. Just a prediction ja.
But that isn't a bad thing. Sbnrnye, kite lagi suka kwn yg pendiam cam zaki, sbb dia tau camne nak kawal mulut. Sometimes byk cakap bleh buat org tersinggung. ala, mcm kite ckp kat post mortem hari tu. ingat kan??
Rasanya, slps mmbaca luahan ni, bagi kite diorang treat zaki bukannya sbb zaki ni present but invicible, tp maybe diorg taknak susahkan zaki. Zaki dah byk tlg depa, so tak maula susah2 kan zaki lagi.
so rileks la. don't feel unneeded. Sume org pernah rasa mcm tu, cuma maybe kite kena kawal ckit perasaan tu. buang yg -ve amik yg +ve. Zaki kena yakin dgn kwn2 zaki. Kalu dah tahap zaki tak tahan, baik jauhkan aja diri zaki dr mereka, carik yg lain. bleh kan?? =)
selamat menyambut semester baru!!

ILA said...

Salam buat diku:D
benar juga kata2 Wawa d atas.baik lupakan sajer..rakan sbgitu.Mereka tidak respect pd diri anda:(

Dunia ini luas..di depan byak perkara lagi perlu kita harung malah akan btemu manusia2 yg plbagai sifatnya.yg lebih teruk & sifat yg tak kita jangkakan juga akan kita temui.

pd akak, walau zaki jauh,jrang kita jumpa but i'm not thingking u as invisible->MAN!!!
so baik kawan dgn akak drpd kawan dgn 'budak tu'..okeyyyy!!!
senyummmmm citit :D

uiii..sesal rasanya..x dpt ym dgn zaki sebelum prmegianmu..

szakif said...

wawa..
terima kasih atas kata2 semangat tu. mmg betol apa yang wawa kate tu, dan mmg aku terfikir juga and i did take it that way. thats why im still here... live my life like what you can see. its because i take things positively and omit those satanic whispers..

being silent i think is the best way to get rid of verbal sins although my ears cant. tapi kekadang terfikir juga ape orang kate dalam riuh2 aku senyap je.. that when i keep thinking of things and study people's behaviour.

kak ila..
memang betol kate kak ila. saya blom jumpe lagi orang yang sangat kejam yang boleh menjatuhkan maruah, menyusahkan etc.. dans aya berdoa saya takkan pernah diketemukan dengan org2 yang mcm ni. na'uzubillah. dan saya bersyukur dengan orang2 yang ade disekeliling saye sekarang. biasela tu tergigit sane sini..

apa2 pun isi entry ni hanyala luahan yang terpendam lama. simpan2 pun tak gune kan. ni korang dah bace, so paham2 la bila tetibe aku senyap je, walopun ketika dalam keriuhan manusia2 di sekeliling ku~

luppi said...

mak aihh..semua pjg2. actually, ada sesiapa yang bersalah ke? Perhaps, your frens really are as what you said. Or perhaps, those were just misunderstandings. Ada baaaanyak salah faham yang pelik2 yg tak masuk dek akal, tapi benar2 berlaku. Jangan cepat terasa, think positive until you're very2 sure that something is undoubtly true. Or you might actually lose a good fren.

aIn said...

~ manusia ni kadang2 bila die buat org tersinggung, sbnarnya die tak perasan pun.. tak elert lngsg ape yg die ckp tu buat org terluka..

atau die mmg tak values perkara2 cam tu..so die tak tau betapa terlukanya org di sisinya..
(sian kat die kan..!)

mybe die ingt itu perkara biasa atau kecik aje.. so tak ambik kisah akibat tindakkannya kat org dsekeliling..

to be positive..
(even tho sometimes it is too much to be +ve everytime).. pikir jer laa manusia ni tak sempurna..we cant expect people to do like wht we want.. even tho usually we'd tried our best to do like they want..

huhu..


how unfair..
n tht's the real world!

pikir jer laa..maybe it is like give n take principles

dimana..kita jgk pernh byk atau sikit + perasan atau tidak, buat org terluka jgk satu masa dulu dan kini..

so, now it's equal.. ph 7 = natural

no hurt feeling nymore..ok x cmtu?
itu lebih baik kan..

let bygone be bygone..

huhu..

b'coz

life is like that..

it is short, make it sweet..


~ talk is Silver, silent is Gold~
somehow, sometimes...

Izham said...

a ah daku pun rasa cam terkesima bila melihat kita punya situasi hampir2 sama.....biaselah tuh ujian namanya....tp sy okeh je skrg nih..
n nnt sy akn amalkan, hello, am i invisible? kpd sape2 yg akn membuat sy begituh...

szakif said...

luppi..
dalam entry ni i didnt point anyone's fault but mine.. takde niat nak salahkan sesape. ini hanyalah luahan hati yang kekadang terasa seperti kehadiran aku tidak disedari. it's hurt. but dont think that aku ade problem besar gado2 dengan kawan2 aku. NO. well well.. maybe this entry sounds too heavy but actually its not that heavy. hanya luahan lite2 gitu.. huhu~

szakif said...

ain..
ape yg ko cakap tu, sume betol. terima kasih atas komen yang sangat panjang and get me motivated. nak menanes~ terharu~

szakif said...

izham..
maka same2 la kite mengasihani diri masing2 kerana menghadapi masalah yang same.. huhu~

moon said...

dalam dunia persahabatan mmg akan terjd cam tu zaki.. lg2 kalo kite bershbt dlm 1 group esp group yg berhuruf ganjil. let say 5 people. 4 org ade partners n 1 tade. luckily, kalo akak berada di kejadian cam tu, akak bukan la tergolong yg tade partner tu. tp akak memahami kwn akak yg tade partner tu n slalunye akak akan gtau yg sorg tu (usually kalo dlm bus nak g kuliyah) ko dok cni la ek.. (akak refer kat org yg tade partner spy ta rase terasing).. tp kan zaki, kite ta bleh menyalahkan kwn2 yg seolah2 mengignore tu.. mungkin kite je yg terase cket.. mcm kwn akak sorg ni (ta leh gtau name) die kate mabe c (ta leh gtau name) terase, tp sebenonye sorg ni ta trase pon..

mabe ape akak ckp kat atas xrelate mcm entry zaki ni, tp bagi akak, kalo kwn2 zaki cam tu, sabo jela zaki.. zaki ade ramai kwn lain kat luar sane. ape kate zaki gtau face to face kat kwn2 menyatakan rase xpuas ati tu.. after gtau dorg face to face, mest dorg trase kesilapan dorg.. kdg2 dorg tu ta sedar zaki.. kalo akak sedarla.. hehe... tp kalo prangai dorg tanak berubah.. dah2 jgn pike lg.. just remember zaki ade the most bestfrend dat u've ever in ur life .. ur family kan.. wpun jauh d mate, kan ade enpon, col jela.. huhu

p/s akak tau zaki tade problem ngan kwn2.. tp kalo ini yg tersimpan d dlm ati, rasenye sume org dlm dunia ni mest ade prasaan cam tu gak. mcm akak, kalo ade kwn akak yg terase dorg wat sumting yg mabe wat akak trase, dorg xckp dpn2, but tru msg. em.. klakar kan. psl akak bukanla jenis nak tunjuk kat org yg akak ni trase ke ape kat die (jus simpan dlm ati je).. dat y people slalu ckp akak epi go lucky.. tp tataula.. tuan punya bdn pun ta ble describe dr sndri..

szakif said...

kak moon..
ape yang akak kate tu semuanya betol.. memang bab terasa merasa ni mmg takleh nak elak la dalam persahabtan kan? tapi tak salah kan nak luahkan kat sini? thats what blog is for me.. huhu~

moon said...

aa, sebab tu akak bace blog zaki.. sebab kdg2 melalui kata2 sukar nak diluahkan.. huhu ape2 pon chaiyo!! smoge zaki berbahgia slalu. hehe. btw, akak br prasan gambr tu gambr zaki rupenye (yg baring tu) hehe

irzan said...

sabar lah weh.. kdg2 kan, aku perasan dlm persahabatan ni, kita xleh sensitif sgt. especially with couples - as they tend to take advantage of their normal friends, seriously. it has always been like that. aku dah banyak kali dah terasa dgn kawan2 aku yg couple ni sampai aku decide aku kn spend masa dgn dak2 single jer.

moon said...

ye ye betul tu c irzan ckp). akak telah terase ngan sorg kwn ni. dah janji nak wat clearance same2. bulan 8 ni. siap die kate confirm. then, tibe2 nak wat awl. alasannye psl kwn lg sorg ajk g wat. sape janji lebih awl is more priority rite?

szakif said...

wah kak moon!
baru perasan ke tu saye? huhu~

irzan..
hm.. pandai2 la bahagi mase dgn kawan2 yang ade da bercouple ni. diorang ade sumone else yang perlu diberi lebih perhatian~

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